Douglas Volk ‘After the Reception’ 1887
Museum: Minneapolis Institute of Art

‘Actually Jane, you could give me a bit of advice. I’m going to my first wedding as an adult really. And I was wondering what to buy as a gift. How do I go about it?’

I looked over my shoulder and saw a neatly dressed young man in his early twenties quizzing a slightly older woman. They were sat together on the 19 bus a few rows behind me.

‘Well, it’s quite straightforward really, Josh. You just have to imagine the lives of the couple getting married – what they do and like and need and so on – and then you think of something that would be really useful to them.’

‘Right. OK. That’s good. Thanks… I do have an idea, Jane. Do you mind if I try it out on you?’

Jane gave Josh an attentive smile as he explained his proposal.

‘The thing is, the bride – Emily - and I were at school together. We were really close friends. Actually we went out with each other for a while. And then I went to Uni before her and we lost touch for a bit. But then she came to the same Uni as me. And every week we used to visit each other. She’d come to mine or I’d go to hers. And one time she gave me this lovely red bobble scarf. And I used to wear it all around town and whenever we met. It was our thing, I guess.’

I’m not too sure what a bobble scarf is. I imagine decorative woollen balls are involved in the manner of a bobble hat… Thankfully the number 19 was crawling along at a slow pace and I could learn more.

‘Anyway, I was thinking that I could buy Emily a lovely new red bobble scarf, and every time she wears it, it’ll remind her of me and us and then. Don’t you think that would make a really nice wedding gift, Jane?’

Jane gave Josh a cautionary look.

‘I think the wedding gift should be about the couple, Josh. Not just about the bride.’

‘Right, OK’, said Josh, a little crestfallen. He would have to give this a little more thought.

I was quite taken with Josh and Jane’s conversation.

I imagine that Josh had been somewhat smitten with Emily. He could neither envisage her new life without him, nor hear Jane’s advice about appropriate wedding gifts. He was stuck in his own world of melancholy memory.

'Most of the successful people I've known are the ones who do more listening than talking.'
Bernard Baruch (American financier and statesman)

We talk about listening and empathy a lot nowadays. It’s a truism to say that these are critical contemporary life skills, essential means of navigating a world of complex interactions and nuanced relationships. But how often do we actually listen to each other? And how often do we properly endeavour to understand and share the feelings of others? Most of us, most of the time, regard the world through the prism of our own experiences and interests. Despite our best intentions, we are trapped.

Listening and empathy require us to set aside our own goals and perspectives. They demand effort, attention and imagination. They are skills to be nurtured and nourished. But ultimately they deliver untold rewards.

'Yet, taught by time, my heart has learned to glow for other’s good, and melt at other’s woe.’
Homer, ’The Odyssey’ (XVIII)

After reflecting in silence for a short while, Josh looked up enthusiastically.

‘I know, I’ve got it! I can buy them both a red bobble scarf!’

'Why can't you be
The way I want you to be?
Why can't you see you've got to change
To love me?
It'll never happen again.
It'll never happen again.'
Lady Blackbird, 'It'll Never Happen Again’ (T Hardin)

No. 401